Golden Bomber Zepp Tour: Tokyo Day 1

To say that Golden Bomber’s Yareba Dekiru Ko Zepp Tour made for one of the most entertaining shows in all of VK history only tells you what you already know: the music was fun, the staging was brilliant, and the crowd spent the show bent over laughing. But it turns out that Golden Bomber’s crazy stunts, lewd jokes, catchy music, and general excitement are really a front for hard-put musicians struggling with the pressures of the modern-day music scene.

You see, Golden Bomber are fighting an unending battle with a mighty foe they call “The Computer.” The fun and shocking opening movie illustrated through a sentai-style battle (think Power Rangers) Golden Bomber’s strong belief that downloading music has a negative impact on the music industry. According to Golden Bomber, CD sales have dropped to devastating levels in the last ten years as a result of this piracy, and that even reaching #4 on Japan’s Oricon charts is no guarantee of a musician’s success. But Golden Bomber aren’t giving up! “Why?” asked Kiryuin, referring to the onscreen fight with the giant computer robot, “Yareba dekiru ko dakara!” (If we try, we can do it!)

Of course, a battle with modern technology isn’t the only thing Golden Bomber is challenged with in the Japanese music industry: Their show sought to address a number of issues for the band, including Kyan Yutaka’s sleazy image (even though he claims to be a “sensitive new age guy”) and what Golden Bomber describes as an agency idol’s pressure to sleep with your bosses in order to debut on the Oricon charts. Such trials formed the basis of the concert, really putting things in perspective for the sardine-like fans packed tightly into sold out Zepp Tokyo–that is, when they weren’t choking on tears of laughter, of course.

The vocalist’s platform was graffitied with the word “gay” and an arrow pointing up, which was revealed as the opening movie culminated in Golden Bomber’s fighting camera robot (who you may recognize from cinema warnings against video piracy) exploding brilliantly under an attack from “The Computer.” In that moment, music burst forth from the speakers and Golden Bomber were revealed in a smoky haze under red and white strobes. Three songs followed: “Boku Quest,” Kiryuin sang and the rest of the band played along as an air band; “Kirei ni Naritakute,” a dark number with hip-hop flair; and catchy pop song “Moto Kare Korosu.”

After Yukata explained his stereo-typing dilemma, and how he’s actually so shy he just can’t meet girls, Utahiroba Jun then lead the crowd in a self-introductory chant sure to fix him firmly in their memories. He also made sure to explain that in Visual Kei, the stage-right area is called “Shimote” making him the “Shimote idol!” Darvish Kenji, could only rave about his new friend from the Johnny’s Entertainment band V6, boasting about how he should call upon V6 and have them appear naked and wouldn’t the fans like that?

It was not soon after the well-written melody of “Dakshimete Schwartz” had got into the bloodstream that “Kyan-sama” ran offstage, evidently suffering some guitar trouble. In his place returned a long-necked giraffe, head bobbling way up high while it staggered around drunkenly on its pole-like forelegs. But despite being so gangly, the giraffe was in luck,! A female giraffe leaned out of the wings, attracted by the music, and the two fell happily in love. As they kissed and kissed, not one, but five more guests appeared onstage. Strapped to his all-but-naked body, Darvish carried in a pole stringing along five dummies that were clad only in a V of black duct tape to keep their modesty–Darvish making a sixth–and thus “V6” made their guest debut at a Golden Bomber live.

“Mata Kimi ni Bango wo Kikenakatta” continued the anthropomorphic boy-meets-girl theme with a giraffe-powered dance number, until the Kyan-giraffe and Darvish-girafesse went about making their giraffe love child, who was miraculously born in time for Kiryuin to announce another birth – the band’s new song, “Ii Hito.”

After some instruction in the furitsuke, the crowd danced to “Trauma Kabajo” and then, with a cry of “You want to call for the members, right?” came the fascinating “Masashi” in which the members of Golden Bomber were all renamed “Masashi!” As the goth melody wore on, Kyan licked his lips erotically, Jun guzzled two water bottles at once, Kenji worked up a fake boner that popped right out of his pants and Kiryuin dribbled water down his chin before spraying and explosion of mist over the fans clustered about his podium who shrieked in delight.

In the black-out came an announcement, “Now we will air ‘Gaydol’ which has nothing to do with the 1^st Music Station Anniversary… ” The musical (and section of this live report that reads like bad fan-fiction) begins with the introduction of high-schooler and idol-wannabe, Kiryuin Sho. Nearly defeated at his idol audition for agency rep Daru Keiko by the sudden appearance of super ikemen (hottie) Yutaka, Kiryuin launches into the number “Aishiteru to Ienakute,” which, incidentally, features a wicked guitar line. Daru is so taken with Yutaka that she tries to usher him into dance lessons right away, but Kiryuin, unsatisfied, starts a fight. The once-famous Utahiroba Jun, now working for the ei-pro agency, breaks up the fight but Daru Keiko is touched by their spirit, naming them a new combination: “Kiririn and Yutaka.”

Then, on the day of their debut, their dance teacher Utahirobais teaches them the dance steps in the dressing room at Tokyo Dome. Soon Kiryuin comes to the realization that he may be falling in love with his partner, and when his partner is invited into the agency rep’s private chambers, he learns that agency policy requires new idols to sleep with their bosses and Yutaka seems to be the intended victim. At the same time, Kiryuin narrowly escapes an encounter with the dance instructor, who claims his relationship with Daru has gone cold, but the two agree to save Yutaka and Kiryuin begins running on the spot, lights blacking out around him as he journeys to save his partner, launching into the dramatic, bitter-sweet love song, “Mou Bandoman ni Koi Nante Shinai.”

In agency rep Daru Keiko’s room, Yutaka is braced with his pants down while the producer pokes him with a (ridiculously oversized) sex toy: “If I do this, we can debut!” Yutaka pleads with Kiryuin, to no avail. The troubled teenager then takes out the pedophile-producer in one hit, and a touched Utahiroba ushers them along to their debut despite their rebellion against policy. “We, Kiririn and Yutaka, climbed up upon the concert debut stage,” recounts the voice over.

Pre-recorded screams greet the sequined pop-idol duo, who dance their worst to huge success. When the story returns to Utahiroba (who is now decked out in a SEIGAKU regular jersey from Prince of Tennis :The Musical) and Daru, we learn that the duo’s rebellion brought the producer and dance instructor back together, and the two decide to get married. “And so Kiririn and Yutaka were able to become idols.” Just for kicks, the musical finale, “Isogashikute Yokatta,” had Daru and Utahiroba kissing like bandits until Daru was once more distracted by the pretty young things. The real crowd loved every moment.

While the band re-arranged their costumes, Darvish getting his bra unhooked, the drummer made note of the unfairness of his situation: “Those two look really cute, but I look awful,” he complained. “But Jun’s lips are really soft. Sorry, shimote folk.”

Jun had a confession of his own: “I haven’t been head-banging with my full potential,” he apologized. “I thought, if I head-bang and sweat then my sweat will fly all over you so I was only putting out 2% of energy. However, I think we know each other well enough now that you won’t mind. Is it ok if I fling sweat all over you?” The crowd wouldn’t have it any other way by their reaction, and during the new song, “Yowasete Mohito,” they got their wish. “If you want to do the furi, just look at Jun,” instructed Kiryuin. The air bassist danced throughout the number, then taking the center platform for a head-banging solo, sweat rising in a mist about him (thanks to a water-fed fan behind) and a halo of colored lights shining out around him. “A rainbow! Jun’s created a rainbow!” exclaimed the vocalist.

“Dokugumo Onna (Moe moe hen)” had some great furitsuke, incorporating all the usual movements of visual kei from, hearts to head-banging to blooming to Daigo’s signature ‘Wish.’ At the last, Kiryuin cried, “Thank you Daigo!” as the band remained posed in the wish posture for a long moment. The highlight of the following heavy “Earphone” was the incredibly loud voices of the crowd as they sung out. Then all hell broke loose for the finale of “The VK Poi Kyoku.”

After they played a few more songs, the band returned to the stage to hawk some of their merchandise. By the time each of the members had finished introducing their own perfumes–each a rip-off of a brand item such as Bulgary’s Aqua and its transformation as Darugary’s Hikua–an argument began as to whether or not they could say “penis” onstage with much ironic repetition of the word. Finally, the encore began for real with the gun-crazy dancing of “Konya ha Tonight.” Kyan trundled onstage wearing a giant, finger-pointing fist and absorbing first Darvish and then Kiryuin into the oversized accessory. “Konya mo Nemurenai (in the mental sickness sense),” followed and then “Memeshikute,” brought things to a cheery close–pom-poms on and offstage–with a final explosion of streamers.

The live had ended safely… or so everyone thought. A video ousted “The Computer” who had secretly been filming the whole live. Chased out of the venue and beaten up by Golden Bomber and their fans, the arch-nemesis was finally defeated with a scene right out of Power Rangers as the band ran from the giant explosion! “If we try, we can do it!” cheered Kiryuin. The screen read ”With that, the ‘90s vigor of CD sales should have returned…” Alas, a tiny USB stick survived the explosion and scuttling into a drain and up through a toilet somewhere, it wormed its way over a magazine featuring ViViD on the cover and into a USB slot. “The musicians battle with ‘The Computer’ continues,” ended the video, its credits featuring Kyan Yutaka singing an awful impression of Aerosmith’s “Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing.”

The band weren’t ready to end yet, treating the crowd to an unplanned encore of “Kakkoii na Eigo tte.” Speedy piano music moved the crowd with a catchy chorus like a show-tune. “Everyone, let’s meet at Budokan!” Kiryuin cried. Jun just had one last word. “If there’s one thing I wanna say: It’s BUY THE DAMN PARKER! Ok?” Kenji, however, insisted that everyone return for one, last, unified clap and holding a pair of cymbals in his hand, he prepared the crowd… only the miss the crash. But it was okay, thousands of hands closed together as expected for a warm, final moment.

And that’s the true story behind the beginning of the end of Golden Bomber’s Zepp Tour with Day 1 in Tokyo.

Set List

1. Boku Quest
2. Kirei ni Naritakute
3. Moto Kareshi Korosu
4. Dakishimete Schwartz
5. Mata Kimi ni Bango wo Kikenakatta
6. Ii Hito
7. Trauma Kabajo
8. Masashi
9. Aishiteru to Ienakute
10. Mou Bandoman ni Koi Nante Shinai
11. Isogashikute Yokatta
12. Yowasete Mohito
13. Kimi to Itsumademo
14. Doku Gumo Onna (Moe moe hen)
15. Earphone

The VK Poi Kyoku

Encore 1

1. Konya ha Tonight
2. Konya mo Nemurenai
3. Memeshikute

Encore 2

1. Kakkoii na Eigo tte